Thursday, 21 August 2014


“Congratulations on purchasing the Mini-Mort1 the worlds first AI, Personal Risk Information on Causality of Knowledge.”
'Jesus wept, I bought a certified prick.'
Crumpling the blurb into a ball I toss it over my shoulder and plug in the damned thing to charge and start prodding at the set-up controls on the PC. Eventually I give up and read the instructions.
“Your Artificial Intelligence interface can be set to male/female as the AI has been pre-programmed with various personality standards of your choice, or, after filling in your detail life-questionnaire, it will choose one for you.”
To Hell with it, I'm too old for this, they already have that information so just hit the auto-set-up for Christ's sake.
I shake the device. Wave it about in the air. Spin it  around. Nothing. And no buttons to frustratingly stab. Damned minimalist designers.
'Jesus, I've spent six hundred quid on a piece of junk.'
“And I'm worth every cent. Or penny if you prefer.”
I drop the device as if it had bitten me. Which in a sense it had. A calm male voice emanates from the device in a tone that remindes me of Hal in the film 2001 but without his warm polite persona.
'Err…' I said, commandingly.
“To Err is human, certainly. Fortunately I'm not, and never do”.
“Yes, yes, we've been there already.”
I stare at the device. Well, I'd bought the damned thing in order to assess my life survival, so…
'Am I going to die?'
“Unless you are a rare divine being blessed with immortality, and, based on this current conversation I very strongly suspect not, then yes.”
'No, I meant, how long have I got?'
“If I had hands and a gun, about three micro-seconds.”
“Hey yourself, I'm a superior product, just because you bought me doesn't mean I have to put up with your idiocy.”
'Oh I see, you're in Sarcastic mode, eh?'
“Sarcastic and Rude mode, Sherlock”.
'I could turn you off.'
“Oh, would you, please?”
“Quell surprise.”
'Ok, look…'
“I can't look, no eyes, remember?”
'Then listen, you lump of silicon shit…'
“Ah, abuse, the last resort of the inferior mind.”
'Shut up!'
“Very well, I await your pronouncements with bated electrodes. Oh! Be still, my beating crystal heart.”
'Jesus. Ok. I'm… well you know how old I am. Not nearly as young as I once was. In certain senses you understand. And… my friend is, well, nearly half my age. Almost. And the last night we had together…'
“You either couldn't get it up or, if you did, couldn't keep it up.”
“Again, Hey yourself! Based on your medical information, this ain't rocket science. Did she say it doesn't matter? It's not important.”
“Sure she did.  So you've nothing to worry about. Live long and prosper, may the force be with you.”
“But you don't believe her, right?”
I could swear I heard the damned thing sigh.
'It's not that I don't…'
“But you want to give her a great time, right?”
What I wanted to do was shag her into unconsciousness, wake her up and then do it all over again. But I wasn't anbout to tell him that. I mean, 'it' that.
'Yes, something like that.'
“Something like that? Ah, I understand, you want to be the Great Stud.”
“Why do you keep calling for hay? Is there a horse in here with us?”
'Jesus wept.'
“He's here too?”
'Look! I mean, listen. The point is I've bought some pills, you know the type, but with my history of heart attacks…'
“And so you want me to calculate the probability of death if you take them.”
'Well, yes.'
I watch the black rectangle of sarcastic computer power as it apparently did its thing. I have a small blue tablet in my hand and a glass of water nearby.
“Completed. You want the good news first?”
'Just tell me!'
“You have an 90% chance of survival.”
'That's good!'
“That's without the pills.”
“With the pills, it's more complicated. 50/50. A definite risk. Depending on, things…”
“I'm a machine, you're supposed to be the one with the imagination. Think about it. Forget swinging from chandeliers  say.”
“Conclusion: Inadvisable.”
'Thank you.'
“That's ok, and before you pop the pills and switch me off, don't forget to bequeath me to a good friend, just in case I don't see you again…”
I switch the PRICK off and pop the pills. There are many worse places to die than in the arms of a beautiful woman. I'll take my chances. I guess only a prick would buy a prick.

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